mongoose
01-04-2009, 17:01
Rifle-Prayer of the US Latrines
This branch of the US military should not be confused with the US Marines, who are dead butch and not at all funny.
This is my rifle.
There are many like it but this one is mine. I can tell because I got my pinkie finger caught in the action and half of it is still there.
The fleshy part of my pinky has been in there for three months now. It smells bad.
My rifle is my best friend. It is my wife. We were going to have a family of little BB guns but...I am incontinent. I mean illegitimate. Illiterative. Whatever!
I must master my rifle as I must master my ability to eat peas with a knife. Which is difficult. I never have been able to do that.
Without me, my rifle would be sleeping with some other guy. Probably several guys...
Without my rifle, I am a sad shell of a man, lurking in alleys and shooting up No-Doze and stool softener.
I must fire my rifle once before I die. But I am afraid. What if it bites my other pinky off?
I must shoot straighter than my master sergeant, who is trying to kill me because I am afraid to shoot.
I must shoot him before he shoots me. Maybe I will just hit him in the knees with my rifle.
Before God I swear this creed: my rifle and myself are kind of lame, we are not very effective, but still we are the key to keeping the latrine tidy and the enema bags off the floor.
Amen.
This branch of the US military should not be confused with the US Marines, who are dead butch and not at all funny.
This is my rifle.
There are many like it but this one is mine. I can tell because I got my pinkie finger caught in the action and half of it is still there.
The fleshy part of my pinky has been in there for three months now. It smells bad.
My rifle is my best friend. It is my wife. We were going to have a family of little BB guns but...I am incontinent. I mean illegitimate. Illiterative. Whatever!
I must master my rifle as I must master my ability to eat peas with a knife. Which is difficult. I never have been able to do that.
Without me, my rifle would be sleeping with some other guy. Probably several guys...
Without my rifle, I am a sad shell of a man, lurking in alleys and shooting up No-Doze and stool softener.
I must fire my rifle once before I die. But I am afraid. What if it bites my other pinky off?
I must shoot straighter than my master sergeant, who is trying to kill me because I am afraid to shoot.
I must shoot him before he shoots me. Maybe I will just hit him in the knees with my rifle.
Before God I swear this creed: my rifle and myself are kind of lame, we are not very effective, but still we are the key to keeping the latrine tidy and the enema bags off the floor.
Amen.